It always seems like a good idea at the time... Part 32

Well shit. How long have I been in this maze? Seconds? Probably... It feels like its been hours.

"Ser, do you have any clue where we are?" I mumble to myself hoping not to alert anything to my presence at the moment.

No.. I don't. Satan is always changing his tricks and stuff, he gets bored.

"So, does this mean that there is just Satan and God? No Zeus, Ares, Anubis, Thor....Aprhodite?"

Absolutely not. Do we have to discuss this now?

"Well if I had a better idea of how the supernatural world worked and who was who I might be able to formulate a kind-of-plan to kind-of-help." I lied. I was really just curious.

Well, everyone from myth and legend exists in some way. They were just not of this dimension. Unfortunately you're dimensions beings haven't figured out how to cross between them yet, but we have known for centuries. All the great cities and empires based around religions were built in those images. Olympus looks very much like the Greek cities. In fact, they all have a good time watching humans and adding the tiniest influence to fuck with you. Zeus, Thor and God play golf together on the weekends.

"Wow... as much as I would love to comment on that and hear more about what the 'gods' do in their spare time, I think its time you told me more about Satan and what that thing coming at me is... or just let me fight it." I interrupted.

There was a huge....well...thing. It had the head of a jaguar, the torso of a man, the tail of a monkey, the feathers of a bird, the arms of a bear and....no legs. It was floating.

The thing shot at me. I narrowly avoided being hit in the chest, and he grazed my arm with his teeth.

That hurt motherfucker.

I ran off, materialized my two swords, grabbed one backwards and while materializing the armor jumped at him. I landed on his back, stabbed his neck and his side and held on. He was spurting black blood, and wailing like I'd never heard.

He fell to the ground, and I took my swords, attached them to the sides of my armor, grabbed his jaw and ripped his jaw off of his body. I then took his jaw and beat him with hit, riddling him with holes and making it impossible to stay alive.

That...was a little much. Even for me.

"Dude had a jaguar's head, and arms of a bear." Reminding me to rip his arms off as well, "Can't really let him live can we?"

I guess. So, about the labyrinth....

I tried flying up over the walls. Nope, they go with me... Knew that would be too easy. I tried running through the walls. That was a painful decision. Now I guess I just try walking. I leave a trail of black mist behind me so I know where I've gone.

"This is going to take a while." I muttered angrily.

Left. Straight. Left. Right. Right. Left. Straight. Left. Right. Left. Left. Straight. Right. Right. Straight. Straight. Straight. Straight. Left. Right. Left. Straight. Right. Right. Right. Dead end. Fuck.

While I tried the infinitely many combinations of these I talked to Ser.

"So, dude, why did you decide to leave Heaven? Isn't it supposed to be awesome, hot chicks, beer, lights, comfy clouds and shit?"

I'm going to ignore your ignorant description of Heaven and just explain what happened. I was one of God's Elite. He was King Arthur, loved having a bunch of knights he didn't even need.

"He was like King Arthur you mean, not he was..."

No, in later years I understand he came to the earth as a mortal, King Arthur, then he went back to Heaven to relax some more. Anyway, Satan was a follower of God that was pretty much just getting too strong. He equaled God in every way possible. He started massing his own army of angels and demons of the sort.

"And you decided to join him?"

No, god dammit Stewart let me finish. He asked me to join him, God asked me not to. I am very indecisive, I couldn't pick. Michael said if I wasn't with God I was with Satan, and being the week that we invented weed, I just kind of went with the flow. Once I was on Satan's side though, God banished us from Heaven and made us go live in an uninhabited dimension.

"Hell."

Hell. And I didn't want to be banished, but Satan said I wouldn't be allowed back in heaven. I went back to tell God I was sorry and I didn't know what I was doing and I wanted back in Heaven. Michael told me I couldn't stay in Heaven. He told me I was banished for good and if he saw me trying to get back in he would make sure I stayed out. I didn't believe him at the time, I thought he was just mad that I stole all his weed.

"Oh... So why didn't you go stay in Olympus?"

I did, I lived there for a few hundred years.

"Why'd you leave?"

I beat Zeus at poker too much and he banished me.

"Seriously?"

Yeah, he has a horrible temper.... but if all your kids were inbred and you were constantly having to solve their problems you would have a bad temper too.

We walked up to a door. Finally a possible way to go deeper into this labyrinth. That sounds really dumb that that I think it like that.....

Then I went to stay in Asguard, I liked it there too, lots of food, lots of drinking.

"Let me guess, you stole Thor's hammer to 'play with,' got granted powers by Loki and told Odin he was an old fart?"

Who told you that?

"Lucky guess..." We opened the door and saw a magnificently large room with gold trim all around it. God damn... how long have we been here? I'm starving. There is a gold throne in the middle of the room with its back to us. I walked forward about a foot and ran into an invisible wall. "Fuck... this is an invisible maze, isn't it?"

Seems like it.

"I fucking hate mazes... and invisible stuff. I hate mazes and invisible stuff. I love cheese though. And potatoes. Guess we're just going to feel our way around until we find a passageway."

Then I went to Egypt.... it was too sandy there. I tried Hades but really he's the only one there except for six months out of the year and then he's too lovey dubby and shit. I tried Inda to chill with Vishnu but he's too busy destroying and rebuilding to talk.

"Wait... so you're telling me, of all the demons and demi-gods and shit I could have gotten possessed by I got the me? The indecisive fuck who wont shut up? What happened to like a week ago, you hardly talked!"

Yeah, but you asked and I do think its fun to tell.

"Another time, and as long as you promise me we can go to Asguard and Olympus and all those places..."

Sounds fun. Just not Heaven, we can't go to Heaven.

"Okay, thank god, a passageway in this invisible shit. This passageway went all around the room inside the little solid invisible fucking thing and eventually I came out of it. The throne would turn so I couldn't see who was in it, but I had a pretty good idea. "So how exactly did someone as stupid as me get to be almost omnipotent..?"

Well, I don't really know, I just have the power.

As soon as he said that we both sang the chorus of Power by Snap... this was going to be an awesome friendship.

When we came out of the maze.....fucking maze, we saw Him. Satan. Dude looked Bad. Ass.

Where have you been? I've been waiting.

He didn't actually open his mouth to talk... he just sat there and grinned, staring at us, while the room was like a surround sound trachea...

We have much to discuss, son.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed.

I kind of already told you, so why react like that now?

"How many times do you get to say that about someone evil being your father in the PERFECT Star Wars joke?"

Point taken.

I am going to kill you. Not now though, you will not see this fight coming. First I will have both you and...Serras's mind and body break to the point where you cannot take any more. Then I am going to give you hope, and fucking kill you.