Goodness gracious... I ate way too much food this turkey day. I ate so much I could barely sit up. Strangley enough though, none of it was turkey... go figure. Antyways, back to the story:
Ok, so yeah. I killed Stewart's girl. But he fucked up mine. And don't judge me, you haven't heard my side of the story yet...
I was just practicing my new powers. I decided that I would practice running through the walls in the house. I had to get used to my powers, right? Lets just say it wasn't easy. After running fullspeed into the wall a couple times, I finally managed to do pretty good with the morphing through stuff deal. Then I decided for fun I would run through Stewart's room and freak him out by yelling in his ear while I was running through. Unfortunately, I wasn't so good at talking while still in phantom mode. I materialized inside of his girl, and... it was messy...
So Stewart screams something about loving her (he really falls in love way too easily. he knows very little about one night stands) and runs out telling me he'll kill me. So anyway, I've still got an advantage on him: he doesn't know I've got powers. So I follow him out for some intense recon. I found out two things: 1) she's gotta be some twisted version of a doppelganger 'cause she is as close to a female version of Stewart as you can get, and 2) Stewart can raise people from the dead.
That brings me to today. I'm testing out my other powers. I went to the shiftiest part of town (which admittedly isn't very shifty, but come on give me a break) and found a bar. I walked in and sat in one of the stools. The bartender turned my way.
"Aren't you a little young to be here?"
"Nah. Age is just a number. It has nothing to do with maturity."
"Oh really?"
"Really."
"So are you mature enough for me?"
"Hmmm..." I sized her up. Not bad. But she's pretty fucking easy though... May have gonorrhea... Oh yeah, I'll regenerate though. Let the good times roll. "Hell, yeah."
"You're talkin alittle too long to my girl, son. I suggest you leave."
I turn around to this 7 foot tall monster of a guy staring at me. Today wont be boring after all.
"I'm guessing you're the toughest muthafucka in here?"
"That'd be me, yeah."
"And what if I don't leave? What if instead I fuck your girl right there on the bar. Then what?"
He punched me so hard it would've snapped my neck just a week ago. But not now. I turn back to him.
"Uh-uh-uh." (I shake my finger at him for dramatic effect)
Then he swings again. I grab his hand, and use it to sling him through the window. He's out cold.
"I'll pay for that sweetheart, but first..." (I unzip my pants. hehe... secret weapon.)
Good times...
Later on I call up Mike.
"What do you want?"
"Stewart's ghost can resurrect people."
"..."
"What? Is that as bad as I thought it was?"
"Yes it is. Stewart is the one person in the world who may empower the demon enough to defeat me."
"Pssh. Bullshit. I could kick Stewart and his demon friend's ass."
"You'd think that wouldn't you?"
"Yep. I would. OH! Watch this!"
I bit my bicep off and ate it.
"Cool right? I learned that one from reading a wolverine comic. Now I'll never go hungry."
"Now I'm just going to leave... you enjoy that..."
I spit it back out after he left. Biceps are nasty. Maybe I should carry around some honey mustard and hot sauce just in case I ever have to do that again. You know, for flavor.
Dr. Orange
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