A Change, but is it for the Better? Part 78

I went to bed early, trying my best to avoid any conversation. I'd been trying to hide it all for a while, but ultimately I couldn't hide it from myself. The fact was--I was damn uncomfortable. I was in hell... Hell. There was no way I could have seen this coming a few months ago. But here I was, incredibly strong, fast, skilled, and for what? My girlfriend was dead, my family was nowhere to be found, and my friends, well, one of them was living with a vampire, one of them was essentially a demon, and the other, well... He's a Russian. I would have given all my powers up to have things back the way they were.

I walked into my room, slammed the door, and slowly removed my armor. It had been a long time since I'd removed it all, and my body was sore and unbelievably tired, and even my new found immense strength could hardly take it. I was ready to go to sleep. I piled my armor in the corner and called Harx over from where he was asleep in the corner. "Alright," I said. "I'll see you in the morning, boy." He curled up at the bottom of my bed, which was just large enough. I thought of Grief, who truly was amazing at his job. 

My last thought, however, was of Adrienne, her beautiful face, her soft, sweet lips. Sleep hit like a brick. 

At first my dreams were once again of Adrienne. They were good dreams, but ultimately sad, and if I had awoken I would have thought, for a moment, that she was still alive. But these dreams were odd and thick, and though they seemed extremely real, I knew they were not. After Adrienne had gone the whole world seemed to shift and I was back at Alex's old house, back in his living room. The memory of this place hurt because it not only reminded me of Adrienne but of times past, back when Alex and Stewart and Zach and I were all together, friends. Stewart wasn't a damn demon. 

A voice came from ahead, "Hello, Ramsey." It was the shape of my uncle, from the dream I had in this very house.

"Uncle," I said. "I've thought about what you said last time. About how you didn't want to do it either. The difference is, you could do it. Me, I'm too damn weak. Even with all these powers I can't stop Rakasha, and you had such strength..."

"What are you trying to say?" He said. 

"I'm saying I really can't do this anymore. It's not about what I want--it's about me being who I am, and I'm no hero. It's like I said--I'm not strong enough."

"I didn't give you these powers, you know," he said. "I didn't force you to fall in love, and I didn't kill Adrienne." Hearing him say that hurt.

"Well I don't want these damn powers anymore. Please. It's... Do you know what's happening on the Earth? I'm not helping, I'm hurting. I'm about to help usher in the Apocalypse!" 

"I can't undo this, you know. If you go through with this you can't go back."

"I won't want to."

He seemed to consider me for a while, like he wasn't sure what to do. Some part of me knew this was just another version of me in my own mind, and that there was nothing this image could do about my powers, about the real world. There was nothing he could change about me. I knew that when I woke up everything would be exactly the same, but still this helped me. 

"Here, sit down," he said. We sat on the couch. I vaguely remembered my sword blowing up here. "When I was given the sword I was younger than you were--only 14, but I took that responsibility because I didn't have a choice. I'm not going to make you do that same thing--I won't make you take this responsibility, but I want you to really think about it, and ask me three times, right now, to make things like they were."

This would be easy, or, at least, that's what my dream logic told me. "Make things the way they were," I said. "Make things the way they were." I went to say it again, but the world was starting to shift--I was waking up. I was having a hard time saying it, too, a hard time getting it out, but I managed to shout, "Make things the way they were!"

I woke up naked, Harx at my feet. I was slightly disappointing--I had half been expecting to wake up in my own bed, ready to go to school. I was still in Hell. Everything seemed the same. When I rose I felt slow, sluggish, and it made me realize how exhausted I had been. I went to the corner to get my armor, but it was gone. 

"What the? Harx, did you see anything?" I said. He didn't budge, lazy bastard. I grabbed a set of folded clothes from the dresser by the wall and put them on. I left the room. "Has anyone seen my armor?" I said, though there was no one awake, apparently. 

"Sir?" a voice said from behind my right shoulder. I turned with a start to see Grief standing just behind me. 

"Jesus Christ!" I said. 

"Please, sir, refrain from using that name here. It stirs up certain, unrest." 

"Gotcha. Wait, aren't you supposed to be on vacation?" I said. He only raised a finger to his lips, shushing me. "You know, you really are good at your job."

"Thank you, sir." 

"No problem. Anyway, did you move my armor? It's not where I left it."

"No, sir," he said. "And no one entered your room all night."

"That's... Weird. Well I'm going to go out, where's the exit to this place?" He pointed behind me to a newly formed portal. Wow. I walked through and looked around. I seemed to be in some sort of wooded area. I tried to fly up into the air, but nothing happened. I thought back to the dream. No, it couldn't have happened. I walked over to a tree and attempted to lift it from the ground, but again nothing happened. "What?" After all this time, all the changes, I had finally got my wish--I was powerless, but instead of making me feel strong it made me feel so much more weak. I had expected some sort of pride to come with it, but there was nothing. Adrienne was still dead, Stewart still a demon, nothing had changed except that I was weak. There was no one around me when I fell to my knees, yelling toward the heavens. "I take it back!" I yelled. "I take it all back!" But I knew it was useless. 

"You can't go back," a voice said behind me. I didn't turn around. 

"But I was wrong! I... I was so wrong. There's nothing I can do now! I can't defend myself from Rakasha's attacks, I can't... I can't do anything!" 

"This was your choice, Ramsey. I'm sorry."

I didn't turn, but I knew he was gone. My arms were weak and pale, and, even though I hadn't realized it before, I was much shorter. I ripped out a piece of my hair, which had changed back to its usual brown. "No," I said softly. "No." I couldn't believe it. I had never really wanted this--I was dreaming! I didn't think it would be real. What bothered me most was that I couldn't avenge Adrienne's death. It was now, more than ever, that I missed her, that I felt her absence. Now there was nothing to do, no one to hunt down. I could only mourn. 

It was several hours later before Harx arrived. I don't know how he knew to come, but he was the only thing that remained of my previous greatness. He seemed much more impressive, now. In his jewel encrusted saddle I saw my swords. I grabbed them, thinking they would return my power, but they felt heavy and slow in my hands, like I'd never used a sword in my life. Whatever skill I had was gone. 

Together we made our way back to hell, and once there I told Grief what had happened. Everyone else seemed to be gone. 

"I'm very sorry, sir," he said. "I can't give you your powers back, but I can train you to use what you do have--those swords, for instance, and your own hands."

"Really?" I said. This appealed to me--I felt so useless now that I feared any simple task would fell me. "I'd like that."

"Good. We can start now, if you're up for it. After all, I'm supposed to be on vacation, right?" He smiled, which was good to see--I'd not yet seen him smile. I sent Harx back to my room, and Grief and I spent the rest of the day in what would turn out to be the first of many hardcore training sessions. I felt a new sort of strength entering me that day, a strength that was entirely my own, rather than that which had been gifted to me. I was not a superhero, and I had no powers, but I was learning how to use my body as a weapon, and this was good. And somewhere deep within me I knew this was the strength I had been searching for, and I knew this was how I would get revenge for Adrienne, and maybe even if I couldn't bring her back, if she was watching maybe she'd... Maybe she'd be proud of me. 

-The Knight