The Hunger Will Consume Us All ... Part 87

"What is all this?"

"Directions."

I was absolutely dumbstruck. I had no idea what I was looking at. I am sure Raven saw the look of pure confusion on my face and began to explain what the scrolls were all about.

"I hope you remember how old Dracula is."

"I just know hes old."

"He is old enough to .... You know what. He is extremely old. Let's just leave it at that. Anyways, Dracula was alive before the creation of a written language."

"Wait a second. He was a fucking caveman?"

"Not a caveman, just before the creation of a systematic way of writing. His village was undergoing a rough winter and the hunters have not been able to find anything for about a week. Their supplies have run out days prior and several women had died from the cold and lack of food. Dracula was one of the hunters and upon returning yet again without a catch he could no longer stand the hunger. He has been known as the first cannibal."

"Ok, so he ate some human flesh to survive. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Everything actually. God had only created humans not so long prior and wanted the humans to grow into perfect beings and this selfish act of self preservation angered him. In his moment of weakness and aggravation he cursed Dracula with hunger for human flesh and made him immortal so he would suffer for him mistake for eternity. The hunger would torment Dracula until he ate. Dracula tried to go as long as he could without but it only tortured him. After some time Dracula found that he did not need to eat human flesh and could just drink the blood and be sated. This discovery led Dracula to be more comfortable with his condition since he didn't need to kill people to eat, merely drink their blood. Dracula would sneak into villages at night and cut sleeping victims and drink. One night, Dracula was out feeding but when he was cutting the young girl he accidentally cut himself and slung his blood all over the girls face. Dracula didn't think much of this and left the girl after he was done. God didn't however account for this adaptation and soon found that the curse he brought upon Dracula's body had spread to the young girl in that village."

"I though he had fangs, why use a knife."

"The fangs were not given to him until this incident. God gave him fangs to save the victims of his feedings. His method of cutting the victims caused many of the wounds to get infected and many of the victims died. God wanted to prevent as many deaths as he could and gave him the fangs he is known for today."

"Why not just lift the curse?"

"No one knows. The girl with the hunger was soon excommunicated and Dracula found her. Dracula soon figured out that he spread his curse to the girl and took her under his care."

"I really just want to know what the hell these scrolls mean."

"Well, I will wrap it up. He continued to live with his unplanned apprentice. The time of the Egyptians came about and there was a sufficient language to record instructions. Dracula had tried to find ways to kill himself but had been unsuccessful. The Egyptian's art of mummification intrigued Dracula and he found that he could actually kill himself through the procedure, the only catch was bringing himself back into a different body. He studied to find a way to achieve the impossible. Dracula studied to find away a way to bring himself back to life but he did not make a breakthrough until his collaboration with Ptolemy. His breakthrough allowed Dracula to change bodies to keep up with the evolution of the human body. He chose to record the findings and directions in Egyptian hieroglyphics because he wanted to honor the Egyptians and accredit them for part of his discovery."

"Damn, I had no idea he was that old."

"He is quite possibly the oldest living persons."

"Why persons?"

"He changes his body regularly."

"Oh, right sorry, well now that we have that out of the way. Can we get on with this?"

"I would gladly move on but I do not know what the scrolls say. We never learned the language due to our isolation. The only one who knows what those scrolls say is his apprentice. We have to find her if we stand any chance of bringing him back to life."

"Any idea where we could find her."

"Well the last time we spoke with the underworld she was residing somewhere in the North Pole, although she may have moved due to all the commotion your friends have caused recently."

"Why does this always have to be so difficult, always. Anyways come on let's not waste time, we need to find this apprentice."

The Calm... Part 86

I'm awake. Man, I was really motherfucking tired... If i was still a normal person I'd probably sore as hell. Lovin' this healing factor. In spite of everything that's gone down, I'm relatively content right now. My girl is back. First win of the year. I'm far from being absolved, but i feel like now I've made progress towards making up for my failures.

I walk into the next room to find two of the most beautiful people in the world . Valentina and Maria are just chillin' on the couch like nothing ever happened, and I join them. We spend the entire day in a Star Wars marathon. Every. Single. Movie. Not that the prequels are all that good, but being able to something normal was just amazing. This is how life is supposed to be. By the end of Episode 6 we were all passed out on the couch. More sleep. Mmmmm...

"Damn man, you're out cold."

"Huh?"

I look up groggily and I see Alex standing over me.

"What the fuck are you doing here man? I haven't seen you since that time I almost vomited heart all over you."

"I'm actually here for the Count's scrolls. It's about time we had an ace in the hole."

"Oh shit! I had completely forgotten... They're in that sack on my dresser. Fuck it, just take the whole thing, I'm not using it. Tell Drac I said wuzup when you see him."

With that I closed my eyes and tried to drift back into a deep sleep. Wait... was that a... I couldv'e sworn I saw something big and black run past the window with a low growl. Was that a fucking panther? I stumbled to my feet with my eyes still foggy with sleep. I opened the glass door to the porch and looked out. All I saw was a murder of crows flying in the opposite direction. I guess I was hallucinating... Sleepy time... Fast Forward>>

Finally awake. And this time I'm not tired anymore. I guess I might as well start planning this whole new world of my own creation thing. The truth is, If i could choose I would just pick the 4 of us guys, Val, Maria, and a bunch of other fine females and just have a utopia. No drama. But life isn't quite that simple anymore...

What's up with me? Am I getting depressed again? Fuck that! Imma get some help planning this new dimension. Wait, they aren't here...

"Where the fuck did those crazy bitches go?"

I realize its pitch dark and Val and Maria are nowhere to be found. I grab my sword and  walk outside. You know, I'm ready for a good fight. Haven't had one in a while.

That's one thing I need. A huge fucking arena where badasses go to fight. Anyone who has a serious dispute in my world will have the option of fighting to settle it. A good start. I'll make a mental note of that right next to the one about the river of chocolate and getting someone to clean out the Kraken tank. Someone brave.

Now that I think about it, it would be really epic if my dimension was like the comic books. So Imma have two earths, one from the DC universe, one from the Marvel universe. No fuck it, Imma have an entire fucking multiverse two of which will be the Marvel and DC universes respectively. And I mean down to every little detail. Hell Yeah. I wonder where Ramsey is. I haven't seen much of him lately either... Where the hell are they?

"Val! Maria! Where the are you?"

"Over here!"

I turn to see them on the beach waving at me.

"Oh... Well ok."

At that moment, I thought I noticed some movement in the water... Nah... I'm just seeing things again. I look at Val. She gives me a confused look. She saw it too.

"Girls... um... you might wanna get away from the beach now..."

As they get up to come back inside I see two eyes hit the surface of the water. Those eyes look like they belong to something huge and violent. Fuck yeah! Looks like another good fight. This'll take my mind off of things.

Dr. Orange

What The Hell Are All These Squiggly Lines? ... Part 85

"What are we doing back here?"


"I needed some place to go and this is kind of the only place I have."


"Why did you choose this place? You have mountains and crystal caves and undiscovered abandoned ruins, but you choose to meditate here."


"It's the only place that makes sense. No one can find me here. If we were playing hide and seek, I would never lose."


"It is not my job to question your decisions. I was just curious to know why we were back ....... here."


"It's still your home. You don't have to refer to it as some foreign place."


"This has stopped being a home for us some time ago. We like to refer to it as our prison."


"I understand. I apologize for bringing you here then, we will leave as soon as I am ready."


"No need to apologize, you didn't force us to come here. We are here voluntarily to update you on our assignment."


"Assignment?"


"The scrolls, sir."


"Oh shit, all this training made me completely lose focus. What news do you have?"


"We have them in our possession."


I felt as if this was a joke. All the time I spent getting these scrolls and Raven just assembles them and brings them forth. If it was anyone else, I wouldn't have believed them but Raven doesn't seem to have a sense of humor. That is definitely something to work on.


"Wow, in that case could you please take a more humanoid form. It feels rather weird to talk to a panther."


The transformation was almost instantaneous. The form Raven took was rather peculiar. The female form looked familiar but at the same time no name came to mind.


"Is this satisfactory?"


"Yea thats great, who's form is that?"


"It is a combination of the forms of our people and the forms of the population that we encountered on our journey."


"You really know how to put on a show."


"Thank you, now are the lights off for a reason?"


"Lights?"


"Yes, the lights. We're going to go look if the training rooms have been repaired and turn the lights on. We apologize for interrupting your meditation."


"It's perfectly alright, but before you go, could I get those scrolls?"


"Certainly."


Raven walked off into the distance. After Raven disappeared from sight a clicking sounds started to echo throughout the room. The clicking paused and the door closed shut. I assume Raven took the form of the old man for old times sake. The lights came on shortly after the door closed and I laid out all the scrolls and the heart of Dracula before me. It took several minutes of looking in amazement at this collage before I realized that I had absolutely no idea what the scrolls had to say. I can't believe I had half of them all this time and never bothered to look at them. Why can't something be easy for once. I needed to find someone who knew what was on these scrolls. Just as the thought took place in my head the doors behind me opened and the clicking of the cane resumed to echo in the room. It was a hell of a chance but it was a chance that couldn't be wasted.


"We see you finally looked at those scrolls."

And so the story continues ... Part 84

It has been several months since I began my training as a horseman and I must admit, it was rather entertaining at the beginning. Animals waging wars and humans battling to their dying breath with nerf guns is entertaining but does eventually get boring, but no matter how fun everything has to come to an end. As I killed of  the remainder  of the cows that were winning in yet another cow/horse mini-war I decided that it was time to head back and that my powers were under enough control for now. I set out to the underworld.


Which was surprisingly empty. I was rather confused, everyone was gone. No minions in sight, no generals, no advisors. Every room was empty and still as if no one had entered them since we all separated. I couldn't help but feel lost and confused. What has happened since our departure? Where is everyone? Why is the underworld so ..... dead? Questions flooded my mind and the lack of answers brought a fog to my head. I was walking aimlessly from room to room hoping to find any sign of life or death but none appeared. Even the news held no answers but did have an interesting bit on some exploding nebula that might create a second sun. Sounded like a complete load of shit to me but who knows, anything is possible. 


After awhile I gave up my search and went to my room. Nothing had been moved, even the crumbs from something I ate before leaving.


It felt like a dream. It could only be described as a vivid scene constructed by my subconscious and I wanted to believe that it was but everything was so real. I wanted to deny what I was seeing but it was right in front of me. The empty void that used to be so full of death. The stillness is surreal in comparison to the busyness of the place before I left, granted it was going through a change in management. I knew I couldn't stay here, it was too quiet, too still. 


I pulled a portal from my jacket. The motions have almost become fluid from practice. It was the last place I wanted to go but at the same time, it was the only place to go. All I could do was close my eyes and step through the portal.


The rushing currents welcomed me. It seemed like the whole city was aware that I had arrived, or maybe it was just the souls of the previous residents in the pocket of my jacket. It was nice to feel welcomed nonetheless, even if it was in the most solitary place no one knows exist.


I opened my eyes to complete darkness. I hadn't anticipated the time. I wasn't tired but felt exhausted. I pulled out something that glowed and a mat to sit on. I sat and began to meditate. 


The world slowly drifted further away, all the cares were dissolving and any thought of the mission that was ahead siphoned out of my mind. It would be an understatement to call the feeling bliss. All I knew is that I didn't have a care in the world and that I was alone in the most secluded place on Earth. So I did the only thing to do.


I waited.


The Russian

Anyone out there?

So I was just wondering if there was anyone still subscribed to this rather dead blog... Is there?

If so... lemme know. Maybe we will try to resurrect this thing. And watch this video. (WAR CAM EAGLE!!!!!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gX9jRLahvv4

If not... well it doesn't really matter does it?

Dr. Orange

I know I'm sorry, MAGIC!!!!!!!!

I will have a post soon, on the story that is. Sorry.


Anyway, here are some magic cards I'd like to see.

Pink Paladin

Creature - Knight

All male creatures on field cannot attack or block Pink Paladin. 3/3

Last Stand

Enchant Player

Once enchanted player loses all life points then that player gains an extra 10 life points.

Rape

Enchant Creature

Enchanted Creature gets raped (-3/-3 counter placed onto enchanted creature) every turn unless the creature's control pays a mana cost 10. 

Edward Cullen

Creature - Pussy

Edward Cullen cannot attack or block. Edward Cullen looks wistfully at Bella on the battlefield, and sparkles. 0/0 

Harry Potter

Creature - Wizard Pussy

Harry Potter cannot attack or block unless another pussy is on the field. 1/1

Darth Vader 

Creature - Dark Lord

Darth Vader can only attack once every other turn. Force Choke - If Darth Vader attacks the player can choose a creature to destroy on the defending players field before combat damage is calculated. Trample.10/10

Samuel L. Jackson

Creature - Badass Mother Fucker

The first player to quote Pulp Fiction when this card enters the battlefield wins the game. Trample. 100/100

Spiderman 

Enchant Pig

Enchanted Pig becomes known as SpiderPig, he does whatever a spiderpig does. 

Batman 

Creature - Bat….Man

As an extra cost to playing this creature, sacrifice Robin. Shroud. Trample. Indestructible (except by Bane). Is the god damn batman. 4/4

Robin 

Creature - DC Pussy

Gay. Rainbow Power - If Pink Paladin is in play, Robin gains +10/+10. 

Wolverine 

Creature - HydraStalker

Indestructible. Berserker (Every time Wolverine attacks -2/-2 counters are placed on defending creatures.).  4/4

Hulk 

Creature - Gamma Irradiated Pussy

Intimidate. 4/4

Superman 

Sorcery. 

You win the game if there is no kryptonite in play. You are also a douchebag. 

Kryptonite 

Enchantment

Flash. Kryptonite disables Superman effect. 

Adamantium Wall

Indestructible. Can block up to 5 attacking creatures. 2/12 "Something funny about hitting your head on indestructible walls."

Harry Dresden

Creature - Wizard

Every time Harry Dresden blocks attacking Creature, Harry Dresden gains the power and toughness of the attacking creature until end of turn. 2/2

Jelly Donut

Instant

Ask the opposing player if his donut shall have sprinkles, if they answer "no", deal 4 damage to that player. 

Day of Silence

Enchantment

All gay creatures on field are destroyed. Any new gay creatures coming into play have four -1/-1 counters placed on them.

Luke Skywalker 

Creature - Pussy with Lightsaber

Force (Allows Luke Skywalker to shoot a small hole in the Death Star without a targeting system). 1/1

Death Star

Artifact

Terribly Designed. Destroy up to 1 target lands for a mana cost of 3 and tap Death Star. 

This may sound weird....

But I really wanna write a musical. Anybody wanna join me?

Nerf wars and suicide wishes ... Part 83

I was lost. I didn't know what to do. I had the power of War. What am I supposed to do with that. Ramsey and Zac had left as well leaving me alone in the underworld. I went ahead and portaled out since there was nothing left to do in hell and I needed to get used to these new powers. I arrived somewhere in Europe. I didn't exactly know where I was but decided to go ahead and practice here. A couple of strangers walked by as I emerged from the alley. I didn't catch the language they were speaking. I was still slightly sick from eating the heart but contiuned on with trying to find somewhere to practice these new powers.


I later found a large pasture of cows and horses. I thought it would be interesting to see such a battle. I focused my energy and suddenly the horses began to run circles around the cows.


Shortly before I left, the horses were being trampled by the herd of cows. After the cow/horse fight I portaled to an office building. It was still rather early and no one has had their lunch break yet. I began my plan. Every person who left for lunch came back with a large shopping bag. No one questioned these bags due to my control over them.


As the day came to an end and the time for all the office prisoners to go home neared, every one disappeared and reemerged as a small army with Nerf weapons. The battle broke out as the clock stroke 5:00 pm. The acting performed by these office workers was rather impressive. People were falling all over the place, guns were being taken from "corpses".
As the army fell, the boss emerged from his office and took out the remaining peons still standing. As the boss finished his massacre, all involved started to come back to their senses, I did not stay long enought to watch the aftermath, my work was done. I ported back to hell and met up with Raven.


The Russian

Good Night... Rude Awakening

So... let's just say I'm tired of waiting and I decided to write a little mini story of my own. I may or may not continue writing. No fantasy, all possible, real life type stuff. The main character (also narrator) is a douchebag. You can tell. The second character is a crazy bitch (or is she?). He deserves the craziness except for the fact that no one deserves that... except for him...? I dunno. Anyway, hate him, idolize him, whatever you want. If I keep writing I'll probably develop him into even more of an asshole. And her into a very clever, very devious person. I guess you could call it a satire? I dunno. Maybe not. My thoughts are kinda jumbled right now... Oh, and I would love feedback. Anyway, here's the story. Starting... now.


Its a good night. I can tell. I just dumped my girlfriend and kicked her ass out of my apartment. Yep, I'm feeling good. So now I'm at the club behind this chick, and she is puttin' it on me. Damn. I think I'll take her to the crib. I give her the "it's getting crowded in here" cliche and we get in the car and head to my place. It is a good night, and a good morning. We take care of busiess until at least 8 AM but eventually I tire her out and we fall asleep.


Later that morning I wake back up ready to kick her out and get on about my business. Instead, I wake up to her beautiful smiling face and an equally beautiful breakfast in bed. They say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. I can't say that thats completely true, but it'll definitely give you a leg up on the competition if you can make a mean breakfast. That, and a good message. But I digress.


She made a mean breakfast. She had a stack of blueberry pancakes drowned in syrup just like I like it, smoke sausage, scrambled eggs and cheese grits. She even had milk, OJ, and Welch's Grape Juice on the side, just in case I didn't like one of them. I didn't even know I had all of this in the fridge.


At first I hesitated. Doesn't she know proper club etiquette? Guy meets girl. Girl and guy go home. Girl and guy have sex. Girl leaves, never to be seen again unless the guy decides that she is worth it, in which case he gets her number and calls her when he feels like it.


I shrug. She can't be that dense. She just did this because I'm the best she ever had and she just wants to repay me. Yeah, that's it.


I decide I can wait until afterwards to kick her out. She deserves an extra hour of my time. I wolf down the most delicious breakfast I had tasted since I lived in my mother's house, then we jump in the shower to wash off the alcohol and smoke that is native to the club.


When we emerge, I have to admire myself in the mirror. "They call me the heath inspector." I flex for her. "Look at me. All glistenin' and shit." Then I go ahead get dressed. I give her some boy shorts and a button up shirt because, hey, it looks sexy.


"Can you drop me off by my place?"


"Hell, why not. Yeah, I'll do it. But only if you give me you cell number first."


She navigates me to her apartment. I pull up in the parking lot in front of her place.


"Thanks. See ya!"


"Hey, no problem. I'll call you sometime."


She giggles.


"Alright."


I watch her as she walks away. She's got one nice ass... I snap a couple pictures as she walks away.


"Hey! Bend over for a sec!"


"I was wondering what that camera was for!"


I take a few more. She just laughs. That's a keeper.


Once I leave her place, I call up my boys. We decide to meet up at Ricky's house and play poker. I always win, but I let them get back just enough to where they'll keep playing. I'd estimate about $300 in earnings between the 5 of them tonight. They all got paid today so I'll be able to take more money. Not bad at all. Not for one night among friends that is.


After a great game of Texas Hold 'Em, I drive back home with $342 in my pocket. Great, even more than I thought. I get to the door in front of my apartment and notice something strange. I hear the TV on. I don't remember watching any TV today... Oh yeah, that girl. She must've watched it this morning while she was making breakfast. I put the key into the door, but to my surprise it opens and I'm looking at an all to familiar face.


"What the fuck! How the FUCK did you get in my apartment?!?!"


She gave me a very confused look.


"Since we were already going to be moving in together I took your keys and got that one copied. Why do you look so surprised?"


I can't even think up a good response to that. The best I manage is a facepalm.


"W.T.Fuck!"


DR. Orange

Booster Pack!

Guess what guys!!! I just bought a booster pack! Now my deck is awesome. My deck is huge, but it's still really hard to beat. Come Monday, yours truly will be kicking some ass!


Dr. Orange